Multitasking has ruined my attention span.
Maybe if I utilize this the way blogs/twitter or FB statuses work, I’ll update it more.
Ha.
I feel so out of place right now. I went and visited my friend in Tallahassee for a week. It was fucking awesome. I wish I didn’t have to come home a couple days early for my sisters graduation, though I am VERY proud of her.
I still seem to have everyone fooled. My hardcore Christian family, thinking I’m just as in love with the church as they are.
I do miss not having any secrets. I miss caring about something so much that I could just yell about it to the world.
I used to be so gung-ho about my beliefs. I knew exactly where I wanted to be in life and when, as well as how I was going to get there.
Lately, I’ve been so fucking lost. I came home and I feel like my old friends aren’t really my friends anymore. I stumbled upon some of my old blog entries… Maybe all this shit is more suitable for a blog rather than a tumblr… Too late now, I suppose? I thought I knew everything back then. About love and life… Half that crap was written when I was 15! I had no idea about any of the shit I was talking about. Not really, anyway. All my whoa’s about ex-lovers; my quarrels with government and political issues, anything my little punk ass could complain about. All my heavy duty morals… I feel like everything that once defined me has been completely lost.
I don’t know where I stand on important issues anymore. I don’t really know what I believe in. Rebel without a cause if you will.
So here I am, drinking alone. Waiting for a text from some dick guy I had the hots for in Tally who has a girlfriend. I guess home-wrecker can be added to the list. It’s sort of funny. I have a knack for giving people impeccable advice. Advice I rarely ever follow. My high morale would have told me to stay the fuck away from said individual. Despite the rumors of them being on the rocks, cheating is cheating. It’s happened to me. I know what it feels like. Thank God old habits die hard or else I probably would have taken him up on his offer to crash in his bed that night. Obviously he’s not the dating type. Those aren’t the kind of men you keep around, but still. What the fuck have I become?
I fail
In the past couple weeks I’ve pretty much come undone. Cursing, smoking, drinking, fucking. I’m not cut out for a Christian lifestyle. This is as close to accountability as I’ll get. No, I haven’t been going to church.
ONE Conference 2012
So, as you can tell by the date/time stamp of this post and last, you can see that there has been a considerable amount of time in between posts. I can’t say I’m surprised, I’m half forcing myself to type this one!
UPDATES: School started, 5 classes (six if you include the lab); picked up another job (zwei jobs and thinking about putting in my two weeks notice for the older one); sins galore, once again. I wish I could say that after Passion 2012 I ceased to doubt or sin… realistically this was not the case. Jesus and I had a rocky relationship for a moment (less than a month after Passion, I might add)… My cursing picked back up, though not to the extent I was at, thankfully. Started up on my occasional drinking and justified it because as long as I wasn’t getting drunk, it doesn’t count… right? RIGHT?! I became selfish with my own desires again and focused more on the Earthly/materialistic things…
I’m not even going to take the time to calculate how far behind my reading I am, just know that I had not made the effort since last post. Procrastination is a dangerous thing.
Luckily for me: The ONE Conference 2012 in Miami was this weekend. It was still rough, and to be honest, I was contemplating reselling my ticket. I fell out of prayer and did not even feel like putting forth the effort to renew my relationship with Christ. I didn’t recognize many of the speakers because listening to Christian talks had never really been my thing until recently.
Either way, I’m glad I went.
I’m not saying I’m 100% changed… but close? The speakers were phenomenal. I’m in a position where I want to mend my relationship with God and work towards fulfilling his purpose for me.
I looked into more volunteer opportunities or internships for after I graduate this year… Who would have thought it was so expensive?! I understand the reasons for the costs, but jeez! I’m going to need to start putting together some fund raisers or grant applications, hahaha… The new goal is to not get distracted.
On a side note, I think I have a better idea for where my life is going at this point. I have multiple business ideas with REAL purpose! I don’t know how much I want to disclose here, but I’m glad my future seems to have a sort of direction, now.
P.S. Sorry if any of my posts seem repetitive, I haven’t reread my old posts beforehand, due to laziness and I’m sure the case will remain the same the next time I post.
Another fail.
Day 2: I read from Genesis 11-26. Supposed to reach 28, but I’m so exhausted, I need to get some sleep. Mixed feelings about the reading tonight. Stories of incest and what not. I’m pretty confused on why Abram (turned Abraham) was favored over Lot? I should really look into that more later.
Side note
Genesis, at least so far, seems to be FILLED with family tree information… It seems like it’s never ending! I kind of want to go back to the beginning and write it all down so I can follow up all the stories more accurately… Maybe I’ll have time after work tomorrow…
I was going to wait until after I completed today’s reading before I wrote anything in here, but I’ve been thinking quite a bit tonight and figured I might as well document it. I’ve thought about listing my “sins for the day” but I’m pretty sure that would take up the majority of the post, so I’ll hold off on it. I do want to mention that I am quite the sinner when driving. Heck, I got pulled over when driving home from Passion, thankfully he let me off with a written warning, but still. I have a tendency to speed, and refuse to let people over, I’m a pro with “improper lane changes” and “avoiding traffic”, running stop signs (not full blown, just not complete stops) and what not. I’m an angry driver. I’m an impatient driver. And on my way to church tonight or on my way back from work, I don’t really remember, I realized this. For whatever reason, as I thought about this I recalled that one, ridiculously long and cliche bible excerpt about love being patient and kind and so on and so forth. This got me thinking… I always thought that verse referred mainly to lovers/significant others/etc. etc. But aren’t I, as a Christian, supposed to love everyone? What a feat! Up until a few years ago I had a hard time loving my own family! Now I’m supposed to love everyone?! Not to mention that even with those I consider myself to love, I was/am hardly more than one of those, and to do them (patience, kindness, etc.) all at once? You’ve got to be kidding me! I used to want to be a veterinarian. WILDLIFE so I wouldn’t even have to deal with pet owners. I have a huge distaste for people. Sometimes I even dodge my friends phone calls or texts because I’d rather play video games than deal with them… not multiplayer, either. Anyway, I thought I’d share that before I started my Day 2 challenge. Phew.
So it’s nearing 4am and I just recently got home from the Passion conference! I’m exhausted and my bags are still packed but I really just wanted to post an update before finally retiring.
During our community groups (go white-14 bands!) we were asked “In what ways do you feel God leading you to carry your part of the story to build up his church?” Now, coming from pretty chaotic habits and being situated near Miami, I have accumulated quite a diverse group of friends.
On a side note, when I was 18 I gave my life to Christ after being arrested, expelled from school my senior year (with plans to eventually go to Vet school, this was devastating to me) and starting a drug rehabilitation program. I got into what I believed would be a beneficial relationship with the worship leader at my church. For over two years we were involved with premarital sex, excessive drinking, and occasionally a recreational drug. All the while going to church, and believing that because I was with someone in the church we were doing okay.
Throughout those years, and the following, my friends who knew I was a supposed Christian witnessed these behaviors. I feel like my part of the story is to show them what God can do for their lives by my 360 life turnaround after attending this conference.
Periodically my friends would come to me with questions of the bible and my faith; most of these times I didn’t have an answer for them. Instead of saying “I don’t know, I’ll get back to you on that” which usually leads to forgetting and missing a valuable opportunity, I decided to start reading my bible so I’ll be more prepared next time. Now, I don’t mean doing a couple verses a day for a devotional, I mean REALLY read it. So I used my Holy Bible app (so convenient!) and took up a reading plan to read through the entire bible in 90 days.
Day 1: Genesis 1-16 I tried doing on the way home, but I only got to 11. I’m going to get some rest, finish that up and then read to 28 to meet day 2’s requirement.
I’ve already learned so much! I always knew the story of Noah but never read it for myself, I always thought it was somewhere deeper in the bible but didn’t know it was right in Genesis! Something else I was aware of but wanted to point out to those who don’t know the story, up until the flood there was never any rain, instead vegetation and lifeforms obtained water through streams or mist. So the fact that Noah built an ark of such magnitude that it could contain SEVEN PAIRS of each animal to survive a flood caused by rain, something the people of that time had never experienced, is truly epic and a display of some serious trust.
I can’t shake the feeling that time is no longer on my side. Something was said at Passion that really struck a chord with me and while this isn’t a direct quote, it’s what I took from the message: Everyone dies, why live to arrive at death safely?
I went to passion hoping for a change. Baptism wasn’t enough, I need a life makeover! I’m leaving today with a new song in my heart, a new revival, if you will, and I feel stronger than ever.
Tears are in my eyes as I write this because I just pray that everyone will have the chance to experience and recognize the love of God the way I am now. I pray that this is not just something that will vanish once I return home. I am so sure, yet so confused at the same time about what God wants and plans to do with my life.
I can only hope that my actions and thoughts will glorify my Lord.
I fear for the future of my generation. We are living and growing in such uncertainty; with retirement and pension plans on the brink of extinction, the recent approval of the NDAA, it’s as though the life plans instilled in us at a young age, are now obsolete.
With no guarantees, the risk is high and so are the rewards. I feel as though now, more than ever our “road to success” will be determined purely by trial and error. With zero expectations for my future and nothing to lose, what excuse do I we have not to live for him?
I am filled with anxiety and excitement awaiting the moment God chooses to reveal to me the plan and purpose he has for my life. I want to encourage anyone who may read this to examine your life and ask what is it that is keeping you from picking up your cross and living for Him?
New Beginnings
This is the journey of a thieving, lying, drug addicted, debauchee’s walk with the Lord down a road to righteousness.
I wanted to start a blog of sorts like this earlier, and I’ve been putting it off for whatever reasons… Today, being a new year, recently baptized and in the midst of 44,000 + people at the Passion conference, why not now? I can only hope that once I return to my everyday life, this fire I feel for the love of God and a need for change won’t die out.
I’m writing this to document my life as a new Christian. I don’t think I will necessarily be making new posts everyday, but when I do, it will be exactly what I’m feeling or going through in its crude form.
This is an honest account, one which I pray will reach others going through the things I have been through and hope it will show whoever reading, now or years down the road, that it does NOT matter what you’ve done or where you’ve been, that your salvation has already been bought by the love of Christ Jesus and as long as you believe and have faith he is your savior, you will have eternal life (Ephesians 2:8, John 3:16). I know that these verses may seem overused, I’ve heard them so much growing up that even as a nonbeliever I had them memorized, but I can not stress enough how true they are.
I don’t expect an audience for awhile, as I’m not advertising this site to anyone, but I pray that if you stumble across it either shortly after it’s creation, or years after the original postings, to assume it was for a reason. I look forward to answering any questions to the best of my ability and reading any comments pertaining to these accounts.
